I grew up with an angeraholic. My father seemed to be critical and angry about everything, and much of his anger was directed towards me.
So, I decided at a young age that all his anger wasn’t healthy and I was determined not to repeat the pattern and maliciously unleash my anger at others just because they were easy targets.
But I was still furious with him! He would scream at me for not working hard enough, for not achieving enough in school, or at any ‘hobbies’ he’d chosen for me. Yet, when it came to getting the support I needed, for example, classes or tutoring so I could live up to his expectations, there wasn’t enough money, or he ‘didn’t believe in spoiling me’. I felt like I was constantly under his personal surveillance program, which was designed to criticize me and undermine everything I tried to be or do.
Without a healthy outlet for that anger, I turned it inward towards myself.
His critical voice reminding me that I’d never be good enough or worthy of anything good, trained my own inner critic to pick on everything I tried to do. I developed the belief that I was unworthy of love, respect, recognition, or any rewards. I thought my life would be a constant struggle… grasping and hoping for things that I never believed were attainable. I struggled with depression, anxiety, panic attacks and crippling stomach pain and I constantly felt like I had to prove myself worthy of everything that I wanted or needed. It was exhausting!
My older and wiser self now knows that I didn’t have to live that way – I was struggling with self-hatred, but my sister was fighting back. While most of my father’s anger was aimed at me, she rationally called him out when he sent his irrational accusations in her direction. And because she fought back, he backed off. She targeted her anger in the appropriate direction, and in doing so, protected her own self-esteem and dignity. Because she refused to turn her anger inwards, and valued herself enough to not take abuse, she was able to develop healthy relationships and form her own stable, loving, and happy family.
We’ve seen too many examples of unhealthy anger, if not personally, then in the guise of terrorism, massacres of school children or people in nightclubs, police brutality, or the rise of those with extreme political views. The celebration of hypermasculinity and hyperfeminity by our culture and media has allowed a toxic masculinity to emerge. As this article suggests, toxic masculinity (contrasted with healthy masculinity), is a major force driving the unhealthy expressions of anger.
Toxic masculinity is a perfect example of anger gone amok. But what causes it? As suggested by the movie The Mask You Live In, it’s driven by our culture, and the pressure we put on younger boys to ‘man up’. We sanction anger in men, and yet the pressure to be cool means that we don’t teach young boys healthy ways to express that anger. So it gets either bottled up or redirected towards people or animals that are more vulnerable, and can even manifest as rage.
Our anger does have a purpose – it helps us defend ourselves when we’ve been wronged. If we don’t utilize that anger, those who are in power can take advantage of or abuse us. And unfortunately, depending on whether a leader is self- or other serving, power can corrupt.
In America, we have a lot to be angry about. Our government invests too much in war and corporate entities, yet doesn’t do enough to help our most vulnerable thrive. Good paying stable jobs are few and far between, and our ‘Democracy’ still works to benefit the richest 1-10%. Our food, air and water are contaminated, and the government is doing little or nothing to protect us.
Yet because we believe we should be cool and laid back, we turn off the news and pretend it doesn’t exist. We concentrate on our own immediate world, and then hide in shame when we face daunting financial or health troubles thanks to a system that doesn’t support us. So many of us fail to realize that the problems we face are national and even global, therefore when we don’t address these problems and stand up for what we believe in, those with the power make all the decisions.
The outcome is that we, as a nation, become more depressed and anxious. We turn inwards and on each other. We become more racist and homophobic, whilst cases of suicides and homicides rise. We don’t dare unite to stand up against our ‘decision makers’, so our resources continue to dwindle, and as individuals we keep struggling to stay afloat.
Our anger is meant to protect us, and we can use it for good. If we ignore it, we will continue to let those in power take away our rights, economic security and ability to survive. This can happen in your family, your job, or any level of government. So let’s use our anger wisely and reasonably to positive effect before we get so angry and desperate that we feel the need to resort to violence.
Do you know anyone who isn’t being treated well or having to understand how to deal with the anger of others? If so, please share this with them!
