Do you struggle with your relationships?
If so, what unconscious intentions do you bring into your relationships?
What are unconscious intentions that sabotage relationships?
When two people come together in any relationship, they bring personal history and even inherited experiences that create the filter that we see through the pairing.
Our filters drive our unconscious reactions and how we show up in relationships.
If we are not aware of our unconscious intentions, we are bound to repeat them.
Our unconscious intentions often come from our unmet needs in childhood. We all have feelings and needs, and the right to have them met. But if you have chronic unmet needs that pervade your life, using your relationship to heal old wounds often results in disappointment, unconscious sabotage, or even abandonment.
Some examples of unconscious intentions include chronically needing:
• To prove your lovability
• Acceptance/ validation/appreciation
• To be cared for/ attention
• Security
• Support
For example, we often unconsciously attract people that share the same issues as our parents, because that is what we are comfortable with and will accept. But then we get hurt, because like our parents, our partners can’t meet our needs.
Examples of how unconscious intentions can ruin a relationship:
Need to prove lovability:
Susie and Greg were dating and Susie was crazy about him. But after about 10 weeks, Greg began to feel suffocated and started to withdraw for some space. Susie had issues with abandonment, and so persistently tried to reach him when he didn’t respond. When he finally got back to her a few days later, she was upset, hurt and angry.
Greg and Susie continued to see each other, but Susie worked harder and harder to maintain the relationship, while Greg continued to withdraw. He ended up leaving her because her pursuing behavior meant to him that she was too desperate. She wasn’t seeing her own value, and so he moved on.
David’s father left him when he was young. Because he never healed from that loss, he was unconsciously choosing women that weren’t very interested in him, and then he would be hurt when they left. When he dated women that wanted to be with him, he would start to sabotage the relationship. He unconsciously didn’t feel worthy of their attention, so he would get bored, lose respect for them and move on.
Need for validation/appreciation:
Tabatha had such a great need for appreciation that her conversations consisted mainly of her accomplishments. She rewarded the people who appreciated her, by bragging about them to everyone else. She complained about others regularly. She treated people as either on her team or as her enemies. She was so focused on accomplishments and being appreciated for them, that she couldn’t see beyond them to have authentic communication with the people she talked to.
Need for security:
Donald was extremely wealthy. Iva was a former supermodel, who had grown up with a single parent who struggled to put food on the table. She was attracted to his extreme wealth and the potential for financial security. Because of this unmet need and her desperation for financial security, she endured his daily put-downs, disrespectful comments and need for constant praise.
When our behavior is driven by our unconscious mind, we can’t act in alignment with how we want to show up in relationships. We make assumptions about our partner based on our past history, instead of staying present and curious about the person in front of us. Often times this shows up as either a lack of communication, stonewalling, overreacting, trying too hard, excessively blaming yourself or your partner, or fighting about things that are not important.
How do we determine our unconscious intentions that sabotage relationships?
Get a piece of paper, write this sentence down, and fill in the blank:
My lifelong unmet need is ____________________.
If you have none, then congratulations! You got what you needed as a child.
Otherwise, if you are like me, you might have more than one. Write down as many that apply.
Then start to examine how you have been using relationships (love interests, partners, friends, with work and hobbies) to meet those needs. What kind of unconscious behaviors have you engaged in to meet those needs?
If you haven’t been able to meet those needs as an adult, then the best way to address them is to work with a mental health professional. I regularly help clients release deep-seated needs (ie not feeling lovable, acceptable, valued, appreciated, cared for, etc.) by releasing the trauma that caused the feelings of lack in the first place. That trauma often stems from your own life experiences, but I find in most of my clients, the issues go back for generations. If you would like to release the underlying causes that make you feel inadequate or leave you attracting unhealthy relationships, you can learn more about how I can help you with your relationship or relationship patterns here, and contact me for your complimentary consultation.
