My client walked into my office, clearly on her guard, stiff and seeming unable to relax. She had a pleasant demeanor, but really seemed to struggle to feel comfortable in her own skin. In short, she reminded me of myself, and just a few years ago!
How my client’s negative self-talk began
I learned that she had a narcissistic father who was very controlling and critical. With him she felt like she was always under a microscope, and every move she made was being judged harshly – I know exactly what that feels like – it is suffocating! That experience had left us both with generalized anxiety, self-contempt and constant self-criticism. We were both constantly on our guard, struggling to know who to trust, feeling defensive, and fraught with anxiety when making decisions. We certainly had a lot in common – always second-guessing ourselves and overly concerned about getting things right. And, for her, the self-criticism and questioning her own judgment continued long after she had made her decisions!
The powerful effects of releasing negative self-talk
In our work together, I started by releasing her barriers to self-love. This helped her feel comfortable and secure in her skin, whether in the company of others or not. We also released her barriers to trusting those who deserved it, and helped her to know how to express feelings to others, even in a disagreement. After just two sessions, she felt she could be more authentic and was confident to express herself. She wasn’t worried about other people’s opinions, and found decision making easier.
I remember the day several years ago when I finally felt relaxed in my own skin. I had completed a session with another practitioner before I was due to go on a first date. I really liked the guy and normally, in that situation, I would spend my energy trying to impress him. But, I relaxed, had fun, felt at ease in my own skin and I loved the date, not because of anything he did, but what I did! That was a first for me! And Interestingly, in contrast, he seemed to be the one who was nervous and on his guard!
Before I discovered these techniques, I was filled with self-loathing. I can’t begin to tell you how much energy I spent beating myself up. Thank goodness I’m no longer wasting my time that way. Even now if I lose something, make a mistake, or get mad at myself, I quickly remember that I’m human, and as such can’t expect perfection. Then I focus to how to fix the problem, or do better next time. As my client said, “instead of focusing on the past, we now focus on the future!“
The consequences of negative self-talk
So, do you struggle with negative self-talk?
Or, do you spend too much time beating yourself up?
I know how stressful and anxiety provoking it is! It seems impossible to ever feel like you’re enough! And yet all this negative self-talk gets in the way of you being at your best. Remember that just because others might have treated you harshly in the past does not mean that you deserve it! Negative reinforcement does not work, in fact it can reinforce negative beliefs that become self-fulfilling prophesies. The fear of doing things wrong (aka perfectionism) can also prevent you from trying new things, thus restricting your growth.
On the other hand, being kind and compassionate to yourself gives you the mental space to learn from mistakes and resolve to do better.
Luckily, as my client found out, there are ways to let go of negative self-talk. I use the Body Code to release underlying emotions and belief systems that drive these thoughts.
Imagine being free from self-doubt and self-criticism and getting out of your own way – it’s all possible! And, you can learn more about how we do that here. If someone you know needs help to stop negative self-talk please share this article with them.
